larrybubkiss's Blog

Retail therapy is the answer. My drug of choice...Electronic Doo-hickeys (Yes it's a technical term). Wii are getting a Wii. One big present. Some suggestions for the games that we should purchase are the obvious titles. Beatles Rock Band, Wii fit and Call of Duty round out the top spots but what about some of the less obvious titles like Wii Spank, Wii Sexfull Marriage, Wii Fix The Crazies.  They need to invest in these titles for my mere enjoyment. If only Wii Blowjob came with two controllers that would be rockin' for that head to head competition.

But seriously I am excited about the Karaoke that will ensue from this product. Maybe, just maybe it will be alright to smile around here. My dad gave me advice one time he said Bubkiss if you don't like your boss just smile around him/her alot this really pisses them off no matter what the circumstance.  Well I am smiling alot today and am in an energetic mood today because well I have drastically reduced the amount of nicotine in my body, hence the energy and I am smiling because well.....Well I....feel very good about something, and we will leave it at that. *muah*

I built an igloo today for the Eskimo I call my heart. It has one small opening and stays very warm inside. It is about as standard as an igloo comes. If you are invited in you will enjoy its bountiful treasures. Whale soup, Polar bear rug, and a glorious fireplace in the center. If you are not invited in you will stand outside, forgotten in the howling cold wind. I like my igloo. BYOB.  My heart is protected. It will never break again.

We ignored yesterday today. There was no talk of it. There was nothing. Nothing at all, and I am okay with that. I think....

You may recognize this song made famous by Kurt Cobain, One of his faves...Sums up a feeling I would say. Enjoy.....

I forgot to get her cough drops.

Apparently I say sorry like a two year old child, which at that point I probably did.

At this point she verbally assaults me.

I had my heart broken tonight.

After my kid comes upstairs she says to him ever so sweetly, "Give me hug!"

He leaves, she says what do you want from me, I say in a devastated manor, "For you to say that to me once in awhile."

"What to ask for a hug?"

"YES."

"He's my son, I have to be a good mom!"

Heres where a light starts to go off in her head.

"Are you saying I am not being a good wife?"

I said you are a good wife but I feel myself loosing you slowly. You dont connect with me, we have zero intimacy and its becoming broken.

"Well what do you want from me?" she says.

"I am not looking for just sex but you could for once ask me for anything, anything at all."

"We just had sex last month" she blurbs.

"Snort" As I walk from the room balling and laughing at the same time. Fuck I feel like the biggest douche. I am sorry that I can't say sorry to her liking. I am sorry I forgot the cough drops for her 4 year cold. I am sorry that I feel like all I do is support her the way she doesn't need support.

I think its this....

I give her myself when it comes to support. The pats on the back, the hugs, etc.

Problem is, is she doesn't want that. She wants action. For me not to forget anything, and I do, I forgot the cough drops, and then she wants to vent and be angry and for me to apologize to her liking.  To each his own I guess. 

I am so at a loss and uber frustrated right now. She is capable of loving her children, finding time for her kids because she cares, but then there is no time for me.  Seriously this does not make sense. Now there was alot said but I still left more confused than ever.  

The wife has a staff meeting right now. So I am texting her inappropriate comments. "Staff" meeting. I mean come on. It's to easy. I hope this doesn't backfire, but I suppose it doesn't matter. There is not much of a chance for seduction tonight. Maybe a 3.25% chance at hiding the bologna pony on a generous day. Sexual warfare is not a game people. It is not a weapon.  It should be discussed. Never repressed.

Before she left for said meeting she put me in sad state, of course it might be the dirty little whores I swore off. Now before you judge I am talking about cigarettes. I have decided to quit smoking so I am ultra sensitive but I have to tell myself this feeling of morose sadness is only a chemical withdrawal in my brain. Which it is. Arggggggggg. It is actually quite painful but I like it because I am killing the beast that wants to destroy me. My filter tipped so called friend. Goodbye death stick. I will never be your bitch again. So I have decided to pick up the habit of cherry lifesavers. I am now fascinated with this hard candy. Hmmm must of had a dream about them or something today when I took a nap.

That aside I had a great conversation today that put me in a great mood.  My cheeks actually hurt from smiling today so thank you and I had the day off. Almost the perfect day except for the poor protagonist. That sad little boy. He needs a big hug still. Maybe I should take him out for a few beers or something and let him hang his head out the window while I drive (he loves that(.

Well lets see here is something sweet....

 Today I watched fondly a lady on a ladies bike. She was in full regatta, sailing in the fast lane with attention getting fever. Hand extended to the left as she stayed true to her lane,  but in fact the lane belonged to the cars. I was let in on this little episode playing out in front of me from her distant shouting at the cars behind her. About half a mile before the turn she lallygagged before the busy 40 mph turn confronted her. It was both scary and funny. Two emotions that when mixed together incite kind of a madness. In fact, I thought, "She must be mad?!?"

She was animate on hogging that lane of traffic on her two wheeler until she could make her smooth transition. I then considered if it was balls or stupidity. I settled on stupidity after as she came closer I noticed her silly Schwinn and her daft helmet. As cars blare by honking she tilted those metallic streamer lined handle bars to the left and sure as shit the bike went with her along with my grumpiness, soreness, and tiredness.

I guess the lesson here is: When faced with a crisis situation,  if you are either A) are to stupid to realize it or B) you fail to take a look at whats going on around you, you could get easily maimed. Road rash can sting.  I crashed a motorcycle once. I know. Thanks, I was okay and got lots of sympathy. I miss giving rides. Then and now!

Hmmm, Oh yes. The question. Will this be the night? Am I to tired from 22 hours of work in 2 days of being on foot? The answers.......Probably not and never.

 This is a singin' song. Something for The Dive Bar. For you.

I haven't much time...There's no time. So I will leave you with this. Did you ever watch Saved By The Bell. I loved it as a munchkin' for its pure cheese factor. It is the iCarly of my time. They only had like 3 serious episodes. My favorite was when Jessie Spano, played by Elizabeth Berkly of Showgirls *snickers* was caught in the labyrinth of diet pills. She kept screaming theres no time, Theres NOOOOO Time Sob sob sob. Oh Zach. She is so excited. And...The academy award goes to......

Sometimes I wish I was the diet pill in my wife's life, but alas I am couchbound. Enjoy.

Tonight she was watching the tale end of "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" and I could not resist improvising some kick ass 80's dance moves. I did the Molly Ringwold, the Footloose (Kevin Bacon ain't got nothing on me) and a few more that I just made up. I was feeling it, and brought her out of her tired coma for a couple of minutes. I actually got her to smile. A drab guy like me. Can you believe it?

Later I will be giving lessons on improvisational dance to the highest bidder. I do and love to accept Nutela and/or foodstamps. Anyway it is good to play around and be myself once in awhile and make someone laugh in the process. Will it get me laid. No, probably not a chance. Well maybe a 1 in a million for tonight, but I am not to worried. In a weeks time maybe I can get my boss to yell at me so that the wife feels sorry for me and bod ha bing bod ha boom. After all in a week she begins my favorite time of month....Ovulation. Teehheee he he.

And Now, without further a dooooooooo.....

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!!!

OH!

Say it now!

I'm back!

I'm back!

I'm back!

I'm back!

Get up offa that thing,
and dance 'till you feel better,
Get up offa that thing,
and dance 'till you, sing it now!
Get up offa that thing,
and dance 'till you feel better,
Get up offa that thing,
and try to release that pressure!
Get up offa that thing,
and shake 'till you feel better,
Get up offa that thing,
and shake it, say it now!
Get up offa that thing,
and shake 'till you feel better,
Get up offa that thing,
and try to release that pressure!
Get up off!
Ha!
Good God!
So good!

Ha!
Everybody ready?!

Follow me!
 

I wore a pedometer today at work thinking gee it would be swell to see how much I walk in a day. I was thinking like 1 - 2 miles on any given shift. Today try 5!!! I can't believe that I walk that much on any given day. So I did what anyone would do. I had frozen custard. This stuff is what the cheese in an angel's bellybutton would taste like. This is why I don't weigh 500 pounds by now. I finally figured it out.

Although I am not shaped like the good year blimp, my hanger has still not been filled with the a zeppelin. It is raining in my sex life and more to come in the forecast. Rain can suck sometimes, unless you are making love in the rain and that is a different story all together.  I remember in the 9Th grade this extremely sexual in nature freshman and I got along very well. Now I never parked my Buick in her garage, however she was responsible for my first big O.

She used to pass me these erotic notes in English class that not only entertained me but made me very titillated. There was this one, and I wish I still had them, that described in stark detail on the methods in which she wanted to have me in the rain. This is were my admiration for this particular scenario came from. Note after note would be passed and with each I always became more aroused.

As our relationship progressed, we began to hang out after school regularly. She would come over and we would take turns massaging each other for hours. Now mind you, we were never an item as she had a boyfriend, but that did not stop her from wanting to keep her hands off me.  She was intense and responsible for the way I am now when it comes to the art of.  She was so sensual and passionate for someone who never once kissed me. It's a weird thought but we never crossed that line for some reason or another.

One time when she was laying on top of me with no shirt and only bra I was gliding my hands across her warm back, up to her angel wings and back down to her rump. This went on for about three hours and after the third it happened. I lost my little swimmers in a torrent of clothed dry humping. It was amazing.

We lost touch after a bit, but I will never forget the after school special. I named this after a book called Youth in Revolt by CD Payne  because it kind of reminds me of that. If you haven't read it you should. They are turning into a movie, I cant wait!!! I ordered two tickets, anyone care to come. I will bring the popcorn. Anyways it is one of the funniest books I have read. Enjoy!

This guy can slap a bass. Seriously if I could slap it like that I wouldn't need a lady. Well she would have to be pretty damn all right. Good night. Bon Apetite

It's the fiftieth anniversary show. Tonight with special guests *cues music*

The Protagonist  as Mr. Penis

Larry as Larry Bubkiss

The Barrel Ride as herself

 and Flex-all

and many...

many...

many...

more.

So tune in and tune out for todays latest blog.

*applause*

Thank you ladies and gents, thank you. Well it has been fifty blogs thus far, just truly unbelievable. I have met a lot of friends over the course of these ramblings and have discovered many things about myself. A heartfelt thanks goes out to you all. So with that said let's kick it off with a our first guest....Put your hands together for the man from down under, the one eyed wonder, standing 7 inches tall. Ladies and gentleman....the protagonist....Miiiiiiiiister Penis.

*cues lights and crowd roars*

Announcer: "So Mr. Penis, Thanks for cumming!"

Mr. Penis: "Thanks. Thanks alot. Good one. Cumming real funny. haha"

Announcer: "No but seriously this reminds me of a joke. A man walks into a watch and clock    store, unzips his trousers and slaps his cock on the counter. The woman behind the counter doesn't bat an eyelid. She looks him straight in the eye and says "Put that away Sir, this is a clock shop - not a cock shop!" "Well," replies the man, "Why don't you put two hands and a face on it?"

Mr. Penis: "Seriously, who writes your stuff?"

Announcer: "Can you tell me what is going on in your head?"

Mr. Penis: "Well it's been a very long and dry journey. My master keeps beating the shit out of me nightly until I throw up, and if you think that's bad I have been the star of this show and I haven't received a dime."

Announcer: "So you are saying that he hasn't met your end of the contract?"

Mr. Penis: "Well, it's not for lack of trying. I mean the guy does alot, and feels under appreciated in every sense of the word."

Announcer: "So because of this situation, I hear you have started a charity fund raiser for dicks just like you."

Mr. Penis: "Why yes. It is called adopt a sausage. It's a cause near and dear to where my heart might be."

Announcer:  "That's great! If anyone out there is interested in donating you can contact the show at 1-800-SAD-BALLS. Thanks for cumming! Sorry, I couldn't resist."

Mr. Penis: "That's okay Bob, it's been awhile sinse I have heard anyone say that."

And now the guest musicians. put your hands together for *starts trippy lights* Fishbone.

Day good. Night baaaaaaaad.  The mother of my kids is not "feeling well" and after listening to her cuss, moan and belittle all night my love has shrunk. I can actually feel it receding away like a man's hair line after 50.

Her: "Why are you mad at me, cant you just give me sympathy?". This after she hath berated me like I was a four year old on crack. Me thinks no sympathy for you friend. phffffffft.

So even if she came to me on a silver platter tonight, with legs spread, covered in drawn butter I would not slide my member any where near her junk. I am on strike. HELL NO I WONT GO!, HELL NO I WONT GO!

I never have been one to enjoy Baby Momma Drama or any drama for that matter. I think she hates me. :( She insists she's tired, but when I am tired (which is always) I still muster the guts up to face the world 90% of the time. Oh well. Life goes on, I guess I forgot to take my crazy pills.

First off let me thank Thomas Edison for the invention of the phone.

LB "Mr Edison?".

TE  "Yes, this is Mr Edison.". 

LB  "Yep, hi. Thanks.".

TE  "Your Welcome.".

I got the best phone call today. Have I mentioned how much I love butter? Yum!!!!!!

And secondly It's getting colder out and...

It's been a long time since I've seen the ocean...I guess I should. It is getting colder than a witches titty in a brass bra. I mean I could cut glass with these nipples of mine and it makes me start to think as December rolls closer. Well... really what started me thinking was, while cold and dark on my way into work this morning was a song on la radio. The song stretched deep into my mind, only to pull out a few memories paper clipped together in a Peachie folder entitled Californica. It was my home for almost 30 years. It was a place that spoke to me. The way the wind danced with the trees on a Santa Ana howl scrapping the house. The way the house seemed to have a life of it's own from doors opening by themselves in the warm afternoon, to the boisterous sound of military choppers shaking the panes of the sliding glass doors. It was in the way that I would dream of what that land looked like years before it was developed into a sprawling suburb. I remember only one stop light and no Starbucks. Orange groves to roam and play in. The 65 bus to the beach surfboard in tow. The canyons with their drawn in appeal of age old oaks just yearning for someone to climb. It was a place to be explored by a child and fornicated as an adult. The meaningless drives were many and the epiphany of many a conversation whether about the cheese the moon was made of or the earthquake that shook beneath the bed while in my lovers arms. It was a place of singularity so complex that it was simple. This was my home. It was a playground meant to be. Everything, and I mean everything happens for a reason. Maybe this year will be better than the last....Sha na na naaa sha na na.....

So as the frigid 30 below winter merges onto the frozen tundra I call my home away from home, I remember the things I call "home". I need a new jacket now that I think about it.

As for tonight, the wife has gone upstairs and I won't see her for... I would say another 20 hours or so. I wonder how many times I can touch myself unitl the next time we meet. As for tommorow I am off work except for two meesly hours. Go me!!!!!! So no loving tonight. All aboard the Bubkiss train. Wooooo Woooooo.

And if you have not figured it out, that song is this.

At precisely 2:47 pm my alarm woke me from a nap. Dazed and horny for said nap I awoke with confusion. I had not had a nap like that in a long time. Much like my love life, my naps are few and far between so to have a nap of this magnitude was a monumental occasion.  It was a nap full of techno-color dreams after a night of the same. Only working for a few hours this morning I returned home after a few miscellaneous errands. I Xeroxed my bum, got a quick bite of Chinese food, and picked up some delightful products from Target. You know the usual.

Upon returning to my casa, I began doing little things for me. I first indulged in a phone interview in which I have no inkling of entertaining, but was fun to play. I will keep you posted. Then I did some work setting up my home office. I took a hot shower and entertained the idea of a little one on one with myself but instead I found myself wanting to sleep.

So I did and sleep it was. That was the second best thing that was my day.

With the sound of my alarm I could not figure out for the life of me what I was doing. It was so strange. I thought I had to work. Nope it was bright and sunny out. An unusual feature in my awakening routine. Well after about a minute or so that seemed like an eternity I realized what was going on. I new why I had to get up once again.

It was deep, luscious, drippy, covered in cocoa butter sleep. As I was falling asleep I pictured someone *wink* in my arms. Their smell permeated my senses, and I could almost feel their warmth. It was so comforting that I began to feel at ease. It has been a long while since I have experienced such love and comfort. Needless to say I did not want to get up. I wanted to fall back to the pillow and drift off wrapped around her like bacon on a stick covered in chocolate.

After reluctantly getting up my real duties began except for one brief thing I wanted to do, everything else was an elaborate plan to keep me busy. I made a nice chicken and spinach in cream sauce dish poured over a bed of al dente spiral noodles (Deelish). Clean up. Baths. Jammies. And now followed by movie night, in particular Ice Age. Well I should make like a new born baby and head out, but I will leave you with this.....

Oh but before I go I should mention tonight I have been as celibate as a nun in a chastity belt.

Let the wind tell you where to go....

Today was confirmation. No not in the typical religious sense, unless your religion is sexual in nature. Sign me up for that mass. However before I tell you what I mean I just thought of this; This reminds me of a story my dad once shared with me, but not as much a story as one of his one line quips. Hey, maybe I got that from him? Anyhoo, this one time after he and I had a few beers together, he leaned over towards me in a humorous sobbingly way and in his deep drunk guy voice he blots out of nowhere, "Say, Larry you know what my drug is? Yep, my drug is seeexxx, har har har!". It was funny. Funny and disturbing, but funny.

The confirmation was in a sweet statement laid to my ear in a delicate whisper when arriving to pick up my daughter. The whisper a sweet sound came to me like this. Out on the playground as I watched child after child pummel one another with plastic shovels and sand my wife leaned over into my ears and gently in a breathy voice, "I got my period.". Those four words are what I was waiting to hear.

1) Earlier in like blog 32 or something, my operation was put to the carnal pass or fail as it has not been tested in its full capacity up until that point. After firing off a few rounds into her proverbial target I wasn't all that sure if it was baby safe batter. It is! Yeah, me it turns out.

and

2) She has been a decent human being as of late. In essence the stresses of the world tend to manifest into red and black emotions prior to flows arrival.

So after a 12 hour day and being an 45 minutes late to a Boss meeting due to some sick kid I sent home (I don't think I will be punished for it). I received welcome news.

Hopefully this parts her legs like a good book that you just can't put down, and the protagonist can be the bookmarks, saving a place in the juiciest part of that meaty read.

But for now, with the tender tide of hormonal elegance in a continual ebb and flow, I am surely lost for this night anyway. This book remains at the Library awaiting further checkout and sidelined on a book cart somewhere in the adult section.

Turns on hot shower and prepares to dance.........

Today I drank 4 cups of coffee and 3 cokes and some how I have to muster the strength to saunter out of bed at 4am, get dressed, get in the car, drive to a shit job, give a shit meeting, create a shit schedule, sell some shit, process payroll, and be on a shit conference call. All without letting on that I want nothing more than to leave my shit job and not return.

I used to love this job. It was more about the people, and about the inspiration, and great leadership. Then the economy tanked and everybody in a suit freaked the fuck out. People, good people lost their jobs and then more people lost their jobs, and now the whole shit house has gone up in flames.

Funny thing though. I don't care and am finally at peace with this. I see my boss pushing me out just because I make more than anybody else in this position. I can see behind his scheming eyes and his personnel movements to accommodate this transition. He must think I am blind or stupid or both. His tactics of complete harassment to get me to quit wont work. He is simply going to have to fire me. Then I will tell that dwarf why he has been past up for promotion for over 15 years. Why he is not respected and why he is the largest little tool in the business, and I will hold my head up high all the way to the bank to cash my unemployment check.

I had to get that off my chest because I need room for someone to rest their head on it.  I don't think that person is going to be my lovely bride tonight. Although she has been pleasant today she is still not feeling good. Go figure. So I got a empty chest for rent, a bottle of bubbly, a crepe and some time to kill. 

I may have to down some NyQuil and have a solo dance party for me and my stuffy nose.

 This video I came across today, turning me nostalgic as summer leaves and these places depicted haunt my memories. *twinges a bit*